As the eldest sibling, I did what I always do, which is jump in and become the fixer. I organised the funeral, paid for it and told my siblings they could pay me back once the dust had settled.
Fionnuala May has lived on Mountjoy Square in Dublin's north inner city for 43 years. That puts her out of step with most Irish people. As a nation, wedded to our cars, we've fallen out of the habit of living in towns, says the president of the Royal Institute of the Architects of Ireland (RIAI) and county architect for Fingal.
The Stasi, the secret police, were legendary for their data files. Their work was based on instilling fear, and they induced stunningly amazing numbers of East Germans into informing on their neighbors. Something along the lines of 1 in 6 East Germans were informants, whether out of fear or out of approval of what the East German government was doing.
The Stasi, the secret police, were legendary for their data files. Their work was based on instilling fear, and they induced stunningly amazing numbers of East Germans into informing on their neighbors. Something along the lines of 1 in 6 East Germans were informants, whether out of fear or out of approval of what the East German government was doing.
He admires 'tiger parents.' He talks a lot about how the ideal parent is a strict disciplinarian, academically oriented, and pushes kids hard to set them up for future success. He thinks his teachers and his mom let him coast on his ADHD diagnosis, and vows that his kids will not 'get exceptions.' He thinks he would be more successful now if he'd had consistent parental pressure.
By that point in our relationship, Al and I recognized that we live completely opposite lifestyles at home. I like creature comforts and wanted my dream lakeside home in Portugal. Al was interested in becoming even more self-sufficient, living off-grid if possible. Al already owned about an acre of land in Portugal. He put a yurt on the land, and now lives there without running water and with only limited solar power.
Nobody tells you this can happen. They warn you about teenage rebellion, about empty nest syndrome, about your kids moving across the country. But nobody warns you that your kids can live in the same town and still feel a thousand miles away. The worst part? I did this. Not on purpose, not all at once, but slowly, over years of being the kind of father I thought I was supposed to be.
Psychologists believe that extremely neat individuals may be attempting to exert control over their environment. When work is overwhelming, relationships are strained, or the world feels unpredictable, that perfectly arranged dishwasher becomes a tiny kingdom where order can reign. It's not really about the dishes—it's about finding one small corner of life where everything goes exactly according to plan.
You didn't just lose a husband-you also folded yourself into his family's grief and stood beside them through their darkest moments. Those ties don't simply disappear because life moves forward. Knowing that firsthand, I want to acknowledge the very human dilemma you are facing. You're balancing loyalty to someone who has been family for a long time with the commitment you are now making to a new partner. These are not simple emotional shifts. They require courage, clarity, empathy, and a whole lot of heart.
Most recently he has decided that I am having an affair with Clara, the (happily married heterosexual) woman next door. While Clara and I are good friends and I enjoy her company, there is nothing romantic between us. He is furious with me and has all but cut off his friendships with the kids next door, refusing to step foot inside their home even though our families used to eat together once or twice a week.
Ever notice how the biggest sacrifices we make for our families are often the ones that go completely unnoticed? I've been thinking about this lately, especially as I watch friends navigate their forties and fifties. These are the years when we're supposed to have it all figured out, right? Yet they're also when we quietly give up pieces of ourselves that nobody ever really talks about.
Growing up, Melissa Shultz sometimes felt like she had two fathers. One version of her dad, she told me, was playful and quick to laugh. He was a compelling storyteller who helped shape her career as a writer, and he gave great bear hugs. He often bought her small gifts: a pink "princess" phone when she was a teen, toys for her sons when she became a mom.
"My kids are so invested in their children it's beautiful! They use gentle parenting techniques, even with challenging personalities; provide them with healthy outlets and nurture their friends as well. They're 100% better than I was - but I had to do it alone with five children. I'd choose my kid's parenting over mine, every time!" - Anne W.
My husband and I have what one could call a "traditional" marriage: He works, and I tend the home. Since we're child-free and I already finished college, I suppose you could call me a trophy wife, but firstly, I'm nonbinary, and secondly, that's the rub. On paper, not much: I read a lot, I tend to my hobbies, I attempt to bake, and I spend time with my husband.
