In the practice of psychiatry, we like to think we have better radar than most doctors for identifying incoherent thinking in our fellow humans. Incoherence is one of the crucial signs for potential disasters in the central nervous system-delirium, psychosis, mania, intoxication, stroke, encephalitis. And yet, now in the waning years of my career, I confess that I've practiced this skill of identifying incoherent thinking with only the vaguest definition of coherence, and no measure.
Romantic Relationships Get Defined Any single person knows that the struggle of dating involves perpetually undefined relationships. Emotional detachment has been embedded in modern dating, from the language we use to the (loose, barely existent) script that guides how people enter romantic relationships. Even saying "dating" feels like a commitment. Instead, people "talk" when they're first getting to know each other; they "go out," but they don't "go on a date."
At first glance, that statistic might seem to confirm a familiar narrative about modern life. People are isolated. Communities have weakened. Technology has replaced relationships. But the data tells a more precise story. Most Americans want connection. Many are actively looking for it. What they are running into instead are systems that make connection hard to access and harder to sustain.
Twenty years ago, as the top digital and innovation executive for Citi's credit card business, I led the team that spent months building what looked like a brilliant partnership. We'd found a startup with a disruptive payments platform-one that became the forerunner of what has become a new payment type used by millions of consumers today. The deal: strategic investment in exchange for access to the startup's codebase as a sandbox for innovation pilots. No more waiting in the legacy systems queue. Just rapid prototyping with leading-edge developers.
No wonder it feels personal that this team rejects your efforts. It is personal; it's happening to you. But it's not about you. This team might have so much internal tension that they can't stand to be in a meeting together. Maybe they had a bad experience with your predecessor. They might think they know it all already and attending meetings is just wasting their time. Or it could really be as straightforward as what they've told you: Their working hours and training times are already used up.
If you've spent enough time in workplaces, on boards, or in other community organizations, you've probably had that moment where your stomach tightens in a meeting and you're not entirely sure why. A comment lands sideways. A tone shifts. Someone interrupts you for the third time. You walk away replaying the exchange, wondering whether you imagined it or whether something subtle but unmistakable just happened. That confusion is often the first sign you're dealing with a workplace bully.
What I've discovered is that the people who earn genuine, lasting respect aren't doing something special. They're actually not doing certain things that the rest of us can't seem to resist. Psychology backs this up. Research on social dynamics and group behavior reveals that respect isn't earned through dominance or attention-seeking. It's earned through restraint, authenticity, and a quiet confidence that doesn't need constant validation.
Around the office, people clutch coffee like a life raft, waiting for their brains to come online and cursing the 8 a.m. meeting. And the cheerful colleague. But at least they got in early enough to find parking and grab coffee before it ran out-this time. Now: which person are you? The early riser, or the one watching them, wondering why you can never feel that awake at this hour no matter how hard you try?
There may be something unsettling happening on your team. Despite expected productivity gains from integrating AI tools, overall team performance appears to be declining. People are starting to second-guess themselves, and trust is eroding in ways that are hard to pinpoint. is a corporate scientist and first-ever chief science advocate at 3M who is the author of Jayshree Seth The Heart of Science book trilogy published by Society of Women Engineers (SWE).
When I was a product marketing leader for a corporate regional bank, I found myself getting annoyed during an all-day strategy meeting. My frustration came from hearing the same voices, sharing the same old ideas. I wondered why other people, especially the women in the room, weren't speaking up. I remember thinking, "Well, you could be the one to speak up."
